It isn't what I planned....

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jer. 29:11

Life isn’t always perfect but sometimes it’s even better. I’ve been thinking about where my life really is and where I thought/wanted it to be.

I’ve always had this dream about what my life would look like as an adult. Don’t we all? Mine was probably “farther fetched” then the average girl but it looked a bit like this. (in my mind’s eye=)

I wanted to live in a studio apartment in some big city. Heels, Starbucks and long hours of work in an office - one that an elevator had to be used to reach. My dream job, a lawyer. There would be meetings, the kinds around those huge tables.  

I’d have an expensive car.

I’d go home for the holidays and stay with my parents.  

I’d get my nails done weekly with my girlfriends.

Weekends I would spend alone in my room or at the gym.

A Perfect Life.

But no. Reality isn’t exactly that.

I wake super early every morning and put more wood in my stove and while waiting for my chilly house to heat up I jump in the warm shower, which I practically have to drag myself out of if it’s super cold out…

Cleaning stalls is a never ending chore, while the rooster crows non-stop, no matter the time of day. I smell like hay and manure more than not. And hauling firewood is a norm on my “to-do” list.

I work in an office, alright, but have to hold my cell phone to my left ear (closer to the window) or I’ll lose whoever I’m talking with. My internet comes from a small “hot spot” that sits in the (you guessed it) window. The lighting isn’t good and sometimes after a long day my eyes ache.

At night I sit alone on my couch, in an oversize sweater – drowning myself in a mug of hot chocolate, trying to unthaw from jogging thoroughbreds in the blistering cold. And wonder why I still do it. But tomorrow night I’ll go back and do it again and the next…if I don't I'd miss it terribly.

For fun I look through cookbooks and dream of going to culinary school. I run. Or I’ll spend my evening painting a wall, baiting a mouse trap, changing a light fixture or trying to read a book.

Weekends I drive home from my third job, missing yet another of my brother’s basketball games and wondering if it’s really worth it. I smell like like I’ve bathed in ranch dressing. And by the time I shower etc. it’s closer to the morning hours, than not.

My nails I hardly paint anymore. I have coffee with friends early on Saturdays or slip in a dinner here and there during some of my weeks. Always feeling rushed. But so thankful for understanding friends and the wonderful small amounts of time I get to share with them.

Is my life perfect? No.

 Is it easy?….NO!

 Is it worth it? I’ll get back to you with this one.

I’m I happy?  

YES! 

Standing outside my house in my coat and overall. Watching as the snow falls silently, and the smoke from my chimney curls up over the moon and my rooster breaks the peace by crowing…I have to smile and thank God for this life he’s given me.

My heart is overwhelmed! 

Happy hump day!!!

XOXO

when i think too much....

Sometimes I sit in my house and look around and just think if only that wall was painted. If my floors were actually finished. If I could see what I was cooking on the stove, but the (no light) old fan looms so low overhead that I can’t very well and pictures are always out of the question. If only my chairs were nicely painted and I had a cover for that ugly pink couch. Oh and that the old china cabinet, why does it exist at all? And that my windows would magically be finished so I get blinds, so I could remove those sheets. And that my sliding door was fixed or at least that I could purchase a new blind so whenever I’m home during the daylight (once every month) I could open it and enjoy the sunshine for a moment. For once it would be nice to come home to a completely finished house, one that didn’t look half put together. I mean I look at my table for instance, that cloth covering it looks like something straight from a flea market (and not in a good way)….why is it on there in the first place, I hardly even sit there to eat. I normally eat on the run…plate on sink while I put my makeup on in the morning and for dinner I’m so tired if I eat it’s normally swallowed on the couch. Oh and I wish i had time to actually enjoy cooking. And to take decent pictures of things I bake, to share on here…it’s so dark by the time I actually get in the kitchen that it’s out of the question. Also I’m not going to mention all the wonderful creations that I’ve burnt because I feel asleep. Well oops I guess I just did didn’t I?!?!?

Well the other night when I should have been sleeping all these thoughts were running through my head and then all of a sudden I realized. I’m focusing on what I don’t have instead of what I do. I owe 4.5 acres of sunshine (and mud at the moment=) it’s mine. I’m free!!!! No one tells me what I can’t have or do here…my childhood dreams are coming true. I bought a pig to butcher, I’m going to process my own pork!!!…something I’ve wanted to do since reading Laura Ingalls. Life isn’t about the stuff we own or have. Life is about others and we can only enjoy it if we choose to. Life is a gift from God and the only kind of gifts I’ve ever received we’re meant to be enjoyed. It’s about taking time to sit in my horses stall and talk to him instead of hauling that one last load of firewood.  I seem to not do the things I enjoy most because I feel guilty afterwards…but that shouldn’t be that way. Life is meant to be enjoyed. So once I get this concept down pat and have finally incorporated it into my workaholic mind/life, y’all will be the first to know=)